GAZETTE issue 3

Incorporating the Ugley Imelda Gazette
Issue No. 3
Horse Rustlers Hit Town!
After hastily defending Christchurch from marauding Apaches, renegade Rebs, and burrito-crazed bandidos, stalwart Lieutenant Norman House (US Army) returns to the fort to discover all of the horses have been stolen in his absence. A sombrero with an arrow through the brim was found in the empty stable, damning evidence pointing to an unholy alliance of nag rustlin’ varmints. Posse boss Jake Fargo lost two mounts from his corral, another victim of these sneaky midnight rustlers. Fargo reported the crime to Sheriff Shirley Knott. To his surprise, the Sheriff knew where to find the stolen horses: they were tethered to the rail outside the Clintons Hotel. The Sheriff remarked that there were half a dozen horses tied to the rails in that part of town. And they were all horses without saddles. Jake ruminated. Feeling much better for it, he decided at once to go and get his nags back.
Meanwhile, coming into town by the north road was Lieutenant House and a company of blue-bellied army boys. He’d heard about the horses too. Holed-up in the Grand Hotel were Windy Valdez and half his posse. Guests and staff were seen hurriedly leaving the hotel (holding their noses) soon after El Flatulencia and his calabazos arrived. Tied to the rail outside the main door were three horses; part of the bandits’ overnight haul from Fort Brannigan.
Directly across the street, outside the smaller Clintons Hotel, another three nags were hitched up to the rail. Two had Fargo’s brand; the third was U.S. Army. Jake eyeballed the brands and checked out the Apaches. Most of them were sleeping off a bellyful of rot-gut whiskey, upstairs in the first floor bedrooms. Fargo wet-panted it outta town to go fetch his posse. He was looking to make a quick raid on the snoozing squaw-lovers and get his horses back before they knew what had hit ‘em.

"How do I find Valdez?" "Easy… just follow your nose!"

Lieutenant House played it by the book. He had his men form into line and advance into town astride the north road. The plucky young officer had received word that some of the fort’s missing horses were tied up outside the Grand Hotel. A Mexican had been seen feeding them red chilies and tequila chasers shortly after sunrise. If there’s
one thing the Lieutenant can’t abide it’s 1
cruelty to animals. He was gonna make those lousy bastardiaros pay for their wanton dietary abuse of US Army livestock.
Snoozing on the porch of the Clintons was Crow Sleeplightly, the infamous insomniac injun. It was raining now, but despite the noise of the rain, it was the faint rustle of army equipment at 500 paces that had him wide awake in the blink of an eye. On the other side of the street, Concho clocked the injun leap up off the porch floor like his breeches were on fire. Only he wasn’t wearing breeches (it was more like a tasseled posing pouch with rhinestone accessories. Shami had spoken to him about this before the raid on the fort, but when it came to matters concerning the trouser department, the young brave was as obstinate as his father – Silver Thong). Crow yelled a warning to his brother braves, and Concho suddenly twigged that uniformed trouble was heading their way.

Fargo's posse gallops into trouble

With a noise like thunder, Jake and his posse rode into town at the gallop. They took the back route to the Clintons Hotel, not the most scenic part of Imelda but Jake was not interested in sightseeing; he was hoping to catch the Apaches fast asleep. But Crow had dashed that hope when he raised the alarm, and the bleary-eyed buffalo-worriers were now getting ready to give Jake and his pale-faced posse a very nasty surprise when they came a-callin’ at Clinton’s.

"come out, Valdez! we can smell your in there!"

Concho warned Valdez of the commotion and he and his honchos headed out onto the verandah to draw a bead on the Lieutenant’s advancing soldier boys. Using his sombrero, he signaled to the rest of his scattered posse to rally at the hotel. They had been posted to guard the west side of town, behind the hotel, just in case the U.S. Army came sneaking round the back in the dead of night, hoping to catch ‘em off guard. The army came alright, but unexpectedly they just marched straight down the main road into town. Sneaky is just not their style. Jake and his boys thundered towards the corner of the alley that runs between Clintons Hotel and Slim Pickin’s General Store. This alley will henceforward forever be known as ‘Injun Alley’, on account of the bloodshed that later took place in this passageway of pain. Shami’s braves got the drop on the cowboys and Dakaya took a shot at Jake with his bow. A soggy drawstring dropped the arrow short of its target. Fargo, Dwight Wright, and Frank Grant each let loose a fanned volley with their six guns that sent the redskins diving for cover, but not one round found its mark (or should that be Marks!). Concho opened up first on the army boys, but missed by a country mile. Then Valdez took aim at Pvt.David West and squeezed off a round. He’s a 3+ shooter, but Lady Luck was having none of it. He threw a 1, and then opted to add 2 points of fame to get the hit. So it was first man down against the U.S. Army. Another notch on Valdez’s gun grip as poor ol’ West went west. Peeved at having West’s brains spattered all over his freshly-pressed tunic, Soldier Charlie Plain returned fire at Valdez with his heavy pistol. The slug chewed wood a few feet from Valdez’s obstaculos (google it!) and ol’ Guacamole breath was forced to duck back for cover. Meanwhile back at Injun alley, Jake and Jed Crennan had dismounted and taken up firing positions on the first floor windows. Drawn by the fearful injun howlin’, Shami and a few of his braves approached the fight from the eastern fringes of town. They’d been up and out early to catch themselves some breakfast. Rattlesnakes. Mmmmm… scrummy! Frank Grant and Eli Cutter tried trampling the alleyway Apaches, but the meek mares they were ridin’ couldn’t have kicked their way out of a paper bag. Things got down and dirty in the ensuing knife fight, especially for Frank… seeing as how he didn’t have a knife. Hired gunslinger -the man with no name- who for the sake of convenience shall here forward be referred to as Keith, made his move for the Grand Hotel and drew a bead on Concho. The slug hit him in the head. This was one lucky muchacho. If the bullet had hit him anywhere else it could have been fatal. Concho dropped to the mud – unconcho - and Jacob Skinton took down Estavez with a round from his heavy pistol. Things were really hottin’ up at the Grand Hotel now. Lieutenant House got Valdez in his sights and let him have it. Despite the rain, and a line of sight blocked by horses, the young officer’s bullet found its mark. Valdez was wounded. The grinning salsa-chomper tumbled ass-backwards to the ground and let one rip that peeled the paint off the hotel’s window frames. A line of crows keeled over and fell off the roof, gassed stone dead before they hit the ground. Even the horses started retching. This didn’t go down at all well with the Lieutenant.

Pistolier Dwight Wright blazes away

Back in Injun alley, the Apaches now in their element in the ensuing close quarter bundle against Frank and Eli. Dwight Wright, pistoleer extraordinaire, caught sight of the Diyin’s ugly mug at an upstairs bedroom window, and he set both his guns to blazin’. He took down the Diyin, and another fellow-redskin called Naiche (not to be confused with the Seminole brave called Nietzsche, the philosopher, who wrote critiques of religion, morality, contemporary culture, philosophy, and science, and displayed a curious fondness for aphorism.)
More blood was about to be spilled, but it was Eli Cutter who did the bleedin’ this time. He was felled by Dakaya with the same knife he’d used to winkle out Sheriff Shirley’s left eye at Westboro Church not so long ago. Across the muddy main street, ‘Meh-hi-co’ Rico took down infantryman John Thorn, but he was soon to pay a heavy price when brazen Bill Buscon lobbed his lead load into the Bandido’s empanadas. Ouch!

"Hey horse- you staring at me?"

Round at the back door of the Grand Emillio and valdez were making a move using their posse’s $5 peon as a human shield. What a pair of low down dirty bandanas! Glen O’Reilly was incenced by the unscrupulous bandits but, with the innocent peon standing directly between him and his target, there was only one reasonable and responsible thing he could do. He raised his pistol and began blazing away. "How’d ya like those enchiladas, eh?" he was heard screaming. repeatedly.
Miraculously, the peon escaped beinf punctures. even more miraculously one of Glen’s slugs hit and dropped Emillio to the ground. Valdez seruptitously slipped one out as he ducked back for cover. He glared at the horses, but everyone knew it was him who’d done it. The townsfolk refrained from taking naked flames into the area for the next day or two.

Around back of the Clintons, things were taking a decidely ellipsoid form for Fargo. Shami was on a war-path all of his own, and he got quickly embroiled in a melee with Jake and Frank Grant. Frank managed to wound the injun chief, but it wasn’t enough to stop him. Saved by his extra thick fur bikini, Shami shrugged off the damage and laughed in the face of death; he still had one wound left after all.

In front of the General Store Dakaya was at it again with his nasty knife.This time it was Matt Polk who felt the bite of his blade, taken down like a lamb at slaughter time. On the opposite side of the street, Rico got shot by his posse leader - Valdez. The fetid fandango farter fired off a hasty round into a melee and took out his own man by mistake. No points for that one, El Windy.

tough fight in Injun alley

Soon after Matt Polk bit the dust, the Fargo boys' fortunes took a catastrophic turn for the worse. Hoo finally wounded Dwight Wright in a vicious knife fight that had already lasted more than a couple of rounds. His trail buddy – Frank Grant – got cornered by half a dozen blood-crazy savages and died in a crimson flurry of knife and tomahawk blows. The killing blow and his scalp were claimed by Taklishin.

Gunslinger Keith, who had been having a lean time kill wise since his noteworthy arrival in Imelda, finally got back into his stride and took down Lobo with an impressive shot from the hip. He would have given him two shots, but his other hip was empty and needed reloading.

Behind the Clintons hotel Jakes luck had finally run out. The injuns now outnumbered his posse better than 5 to 1, and the rain and close confines of the buildings were stopping Jake from using his superior firepower to best effect. Shami, still mounted, took down Jed Crennan with a crushing head blow that was to leave the cowboy permanently brain-damaged and dribbling. Jake took his chances and got away while he could, but his proud posse had been obliterated in the bloodsoaked back alleys of Imelda.

"Give it up Valdez. Ain’t no good you hidin’ in there - it ain’t got no roof."

In the Grand hotel Valdez was getting his trastero kicked in good fashion by the valient Lieutenant House. The Army had reclaimed their horses and Valdez had been given a damn good thrashing to boot. Final reckoning: Cowboys and Mexicans smegged, Feds and Reds triumphant with 3 horses each. Valdez contested the consensus that he'd been trounced by the
belly Yanks. He pointed out that he had attained a new personal skill and is now a Dead Eye shot. Also, all of his posse survived, though a couple had got a bit chewed up along the way. Concho went mad, Rico lost -1 grit due to the chest wound that Valdez gave him, Estavez stayed alive and survived, Lobo likewise, and the pitiful Peon lived and gained experience from his close call with calibre .45.
Thw Feds faired better. Casualty John Thorne suffered 3 multiple injuries. First was a chest wound costing -1 grit, the second was a head injury resulting in -1 Fight, and the third was a close encounter with a snake oil salesman with a difference. The difference being that this time the snake oil actually worked! His chest and head wounds healed up nicely and John is now back in the ranks, as bright as a shiny brass US Army regulation issue button.
Jake Fargo may of had a bad time of it going hand-to-hand against Shami’s braves, but the true extent of the disaster was revealed in all its painful glory in the final reckoning. Jed Crennan went mad from the head wound he received from Shami himself. Frank Grant trotted off to Boot Hill with life and equipment lost. Eli Cutter went the same way. So too did Matt Polk. Only Jake and Dwight Wright survived the alleyway action, with Dwight advancing +1 grit. Cold compensation indeed for what had been lost. Insult turned further to injury when the dice for cash were rolled. The three dice delivered 2 : 2 : 1. Yup, that’s right - a measley $5. Not even enough to buy a six gun.

"I’m gonna get my big bruvver on you!"

With four of his six posse members gone to meet their maker, Jake headed off to New Mexico. He had suffered a serious defeat and although he was down he was definitely not out. Jake paid a visit to his brother, Wells, in Alberquque. He and his bro have started a new homeboy posse and are already on their way back to Imelda. Woe betide any redskins who tangle with Jake and Wells now!
Shami and his boys were up all night celebrating their magnificent victory over the palefaces, with lashings o’ firewater and rattlesnake canapés. Wicasa became a sidewinder. The Diyin survived getting shot up badly by pistol tottin’ Dwight Wright, the Medicine Man added a +1 to his Fighting skill, Dirty Dakaya added +1 to his strength, Taklishin acquired the new skill of Fury, Crow Sleeplightly survived, and Hoo added +1 to his shooting skill. Shami picked up a lot of Fargo posse loot and made $23 on the horse sales. The only dampener, apart from the relentlessly rainy campaign weather, was a mediocre $27 payoff despite 9 dice thrown.

wild west facts

was shot in the back by Bob Ford on April 3, 1882, in St. Joseph, Missouri. Professed to be a friend of James, Ford was reviled for shooting James from behind and was forever known as a "coward." Ten years later, he himself was himself shot to death in Creede, Colorado.

The main characters of the Dalton gang-brothers, Grat, Bob and Emmett all wore badges before moving to the other side of the law.

"Boys i've found a goldmine." - James W Marshall whose discovery of gold started the California Gold Rush. The location was a saw mill where Marshall withdrew a gold nugget from the American River.

The famous Goodnight-loving trail was established in 1866 between Fort Belknap, Texas and Fort Sumner, New Mexico. Oliver Loving was later killed by Indians on the trail bearing his name. Goodnight, on the other hand, died a wealthy man in his nineties in 1929.

Clay Allison- after sititng in a dentist chair in Cheyenne, Wyoming , forcibly pulled one of the dentist’s teeth when the doctor drilled on the wrong molar by mistake. He would have continued pulling out the dentist’s teeth, but the man’s screams brought in people from the street.

On November 24, 1835, the Republic of Texas established a force of frontiersmen called the "Texas Rangers". The rangers were paid $1.25 per day for their services. The members of The Texas Rangers were said to be able to "ride like a Mexican, shoot like a Kentuckian, and fight like the devil himself."

Most professional gunfighters died in states or territories where the most shootings occurred: Texas, Kansas, New Mexico, Oklahoma, California, Missouri, and Colorado.

Black Jack Ketchum was the only person ever hung in Union County, New Mexico. According the annals of American Jurisprudence, he was the only criminal decapitated during a judicial hanging. The only previously recorded example of this gruesome hanging mishap was in England in 1601.

The Pony Express was only in operation for nineteen months, from April 1860 through to October 1861. The Pony Express carried almost 35,000 pieces of mail over more than 650,000 miles during those nineteen months and lost only one mail sack. The typical Pony Express rider was nineteen years old and made the princely sum of $100-$150 per month plus room and board.

In 1884, the citizens of Montana Territory were fed up with lawlessness. After forming a large-scale vigilante force, they executed thirty-five horse and cattle thieves that year.

The famous gunfight at the O.K. Corral only lasted about thirty seconds. Mattie Earp, Wyatt Earp’s second wife, who was with him in Tombstone during the O.K. Corral gunfight committed suicide with an overdose of laudanum on July 3, 1888 in Pinal, Arizona. She was despondent because Earp had left her for another woman.

Lewis and Clark never knew it, but the Spanish sent out four expeditions between August, 1804 and August, 1806 to try and stop them. However, they failed in their mission as they were consistently turned back by the Indians. However, on one occasion they came close - near Red Cloud, Nebraska they were within 140 miles.

During the course of his 21 year tenure at Fort Smith, Judge Isaac Parker sentenced 160 men and women to death for convictions of rape or murder; of this total, only 79 men actually were executed on the gallows. The Judge only handed down the death sentences; he did not attend the executions or participate in them in any official capacity.

Belle Starr, the "Outlaw Queen," a horse thief, outlaw and part-time prostitute was the first woman to be tried for a serious crime by Judge Isaac Parker. She was sentenced to five months in prison for horse theft. In 1889 she was shot in the back and killed by an unknown assailant.

Wild Bill Hickok was killed by an alcoholic drifter named Jack McCall while playing poker in a saloon in Deadwood, South Dakota, on August 2, 1876. When he was killed he was holding a poker hand of aces and eights, thereafter known as the Dead Man’s Hand.

Despite Hollywood’s depiction to the contrary, Jesse and Frank James were never cowboys. Both were raised on a farm in Missouri, where many of their crimes occurred.

Henry Wells, of the famous Wells, Fargo and Company freight line never lived any further West than Buffalo, New York.

Windy Tales
Part 2:
'My Wind is still in tact after that bit of horse rustling. I did not lose any men, in fact I now have some extra Wind. I have recruited another peon and a Half Breed by the name of Mexanche. So as you see, my Wind is now getting very big but I also have slow Wind, due to not being very successful with the horse rustling. One of the biggest problems with the fight was my men were drawn to the Saloon and I had a big problem getting them out. Too much liquor inside and too much lead outside. I have some good news and bad news for you all. The good news, I killed another Americano today (3 x kills). The bad news, Valdez, the people's hero, the modern day Robin Hood, the Mexican in green tights, has to share his top six gun status with another. Dry your eyes my people, I promise you, I will be back as you have not heard the last of my Wind'
Proclamation !
The citizens and good people of IMELDA,
hereby declare that from this day forth, only legal horse stealing permitted. A pardon shall be granted and goods allowed to be kept, on condition, those known varmints who have partaken cease forthwith in their fixation with other peoples horse flesh. Failure to comply will result in the no good, yellow belly, horse stealing varrrrrmint,
to be hung by the neck until dead. And may the Lord have mercy upon their souls. Amen.

Wyatt Earp stated that trick shooting didn't decide a gunfight. It was an axiom among gunfighters that a man who won a shoot-out was the man who took his time. "Shooting at a man who is returning the compliment means going into action with the greatest speed of which a man's muscles are capable, but mentally unflustered by an urge to hurry or the need for complicated nervous and muscular actions which trick shooting involves." He died a healthy 81 in Los Angeles, California, January 13, 1929.

Glossary of American Mountain Men Terms,
Words & Expressions
Part Two
D
DEAD FALL
A tree blown down by the wind or other force of nature. Also, a trap which utilizes a falling log or stone as the actual trapping mechanism.
DEAD MEAT
Carrion.
DIAMOND HITCH
A hitch (knot) used to fasten cargo to a pack saddle.
DIG UP THE TOMAHAWK
Start a war. Often the word "hatchet" was substituted for "tomahawk".
DRY, I AM
I am thirst, likely for something stronger than water.
DUMPLING DUST
Flour. This term originated from the early practice of mixing dough by pouring water in a depression made in the flour while it was still in the sack, causing small puffs of dust. Both the term and practice are still used by north woodsmen.
DU PONT
Gunpowder.
DUTCHMAN
Any type of temporary prop or support.
DUTCH OVEN
A large kettle with three feet and a dished lid. It can be used for both cooking and baking.
E
EASY WATER
Calm, smooth water on a river or lake.
ENGAGEMENT
A 3-year agreement between a trapper and a fur company.
ENGAGES
Company trappers bound for 3 years to sell all they trap to only one company.
F
FACTOR
Chief of a trading post or trading party, authorized by the company to sell or trade company merchandise.
FATHER OF ALL WATERS
Mississippi River. An Indian term.
FAT PINE
Pitch pine, very good for starting fires.
FEAST CAKES
Pancakes.
FILLY
A young, female horse; although just as likely to be applied to a young, shapely, good-looking woman.
FIRE WATER
Whiskey. This term comes from the Indian practice of throwing a cup of whiskey into a fire to see if it would burn. If it would not flame up, it would not be accepted.
FIZZ-POP
A very early soda pop made by mixing a little vinegar and a spoon of sugar in a glass of fresh water. Just before drinking mix in about a quarter of a spoon of soda.
FLASH IN THE PAN
A misfire. Also a man who spends a great deal of time bragging, but never seems to be around when it comes to proving himself.
FLESHED
Any skin or hide which had the flesh and fat scraped off before it was dried.
FLESHING

The process of removing the excess flesh and fat from a skin or hide.
FLAT BOAT
A large scow used to float up to three tons of fur and skins to St. Louis.
FLOAT STICK
A stick attached to a steel trap used to show the location of the trap and the trapped animal. From this comes the expression, "That's the way my stick floats" , meaning , " That's the way I feel about it."
FOOFARRAW
Any fancy clothing or anything fancy on clothing. Just about anything used for decoration
FORK A HORSE (or MULE)
Mount the animal.
FORT UP
Get ready to fight a defensive battle.
FREE TRAPPER
A trapper who worked for himself, trapping and selling where he wanted and to whom he wanted. As free a man as the elements would allow.
FUR COUNTRY
As the mountain men used the expression, The Rocky Mountains.
FUSEES
A fusil or trade musket
G
GALENA
Lead.
GALENA PILLS
Lead balls (bullets).
GALETTE
A basic flour and water bread made into flat, round cakes and fried in fat or baked before the open fire. (Voyageur)
GALLUS'S
Suspenders.
GANT UP
Tighten up on a rope or belt.
GET YER BRISTLES UP, TO
To get angry.
GEWGAWS
Beads, bells, small mirrors, etc. used for decoration.
GONE, HE'S
He's dead.
GORDOS
Flapjacks (hotcake, pancakes whatever).
GO UNDER, TO
To die.
GONE BEAVER
Said of someone who has been dead some time. He's about to go under; but once dead, he's a gone beaver.
GRAINED
See "Fleshed".
GRAS
Animal fat.
GRAS LAMP
See "Bitch".
GREASE HUNGER, I HAVE
An expression meaning "I am hungry for meat."*
GREASE AND BEANS
An expression meaning "Food".
GREEN HAND
A term used by early traders meaning an inexperienced man,
GREEN MEAT
Meat which still had the animal heat in it.
GREEN RIVER
A western river (see any good map). The hilt of a knife (from the old GR trade mark up near the hilt). A knife made by Russell Green River Works. A copy of a Russell Green River Works knife,
GREEN RIVER, UP TO
Anything of quality was said to be "up to Green River".
GRUB
Food. This very old term is still widely used.
GULLY WASHER
A very hard downpour of rain.